Shilo Wallace (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
shilowallace) wrote2012-02-13 02:35 pm
shilowallace) wrote2012-02-13 02:35 pm
[archive] LJ Writer's Block: Cliff hanger - 05.28.10
from the diary of Shilo Wallace
So STOP READING NOW...that means you, DAD. It's not like I can't tell when the LOCK has been broken!!!
If you asked my dad this question, about me, he would tell you...okay, actually, he wouldn't tell you anything because he's dead. But if he was still alive and you asked him, right now, what the most dangerous thing I ever did was, he'd say it was all the times I didn't take my pills. ...No, okay, I guess he probably wouldn't say that now, he'd say that when he actually was still alive, all of the two (of hundreds of) times I didn't swallow. To be fair (not that he deserves anyone to be fair to him), it might be true in the sense that I could have triggered an attack and who knows if it would have been one I would have been able to recover from on my own. Or if I could get to my pills in time. Or if it didn't matter, no matter what I did, because poison is still poison and kills you, eventually.
That's what he'd say, though. Because that's all he cared about. Me doing what he told me to. And, I guess, making me feel bad for not doing what he told me to by insisting that I was risking my own life. By putting it on me, he could make it seem like he actually cared if I was risking my life. I never really knew, at the time, that he just wanted to control me.
Really obviously, though, I think taking the pills, at all, when I did take them, was a lot more dangerous than not taking them. Because, I mean. Not taking poison is probably a lot safer than taking it.
If I had to pick one, big thing, though, it wouldn't be taking themedicine poison. I think the most dangerous thing is probably the time I snuck out of Mom's crypt to chase that stupid little bug.
Well, he wasn't little. He was actually particularly huge. For a bug, anyway. Not for his species. I think they're all about that huge. I've never seen another one in person, though, so I guess there's no real way to gage.
I know, I know, that doesn't matter. What matters is that I was probably pretty stupid to think that I could do something like sneak out into a cemetery in the middle of the night, especially when there were very obviously body dumps and a GeneCop invasion happening, probably like two feet from where I was, at any given time. But when it slipped between the window bars, it never even crossed my mind that I might get in trouble. I don't know what I was thinking, but it definitely wasn't, "Hm. Maybe I should stay put and take my medicine and not get captured by GeneCops who are ordered to kill grave robbers. I'm not one of those, whatever they are, but how would the GeneCops know that?" For whatever reason, I just...Knew I was going to be able to get my bug and get back before anyone noticed me.
The only reason I even knew the word "grave-robber" was thanks to all the stupid commercials GeneCo used to run about blah, blah, blah don't trust them, blah, blah buy Zydrate from us, talk to a surGEN. They never really said anything more than that, but...I don't know, I guess I never really put two and two together. What else would a grave robber do? Rob graves. Duh, Shilo. But why would I ever need to know? Until the moment that I stepped over the threshold of Mom's tomb, I thought I'd never go outside. I thought I'd never see the rest of the cemetery. I thought I'd never run into a grave robber who wanted to show off how special he is by never getting himself caught, but leaving me to get caught by the stupid GeneCops he kept attracting.
I don't think he got me caught on purpose, though. And, really, I wouldn't have wanted him to fight them for me. I'm sure they only didn't kill me, right away, because I don't look very scary. He's really scary-looking, sometimes. They would have shot him right away. I don't want that. I didn't want it then, either, even though I thought he was terrifying.
When I first thought of this, I think I was going to say that it was the most dangerous thing ever because it set off a whole stupid chain of events, but now that I'm thinking of it, I think Mr. Largo probably would have bothered me, anyway, even if I hadn't gone into the graveyard, that night. And the worst thing about if he'd bothered me, even if I hadn't gone out? I wouldn't have had anyone to save me, all the times I needed saving. I probably would have made the wrong choice at every turn. I probably would have gone home with my dad, after all that. Actually, I probably would have died. Worst completed life ever, right?
No, the reason it was the most dangerous thing ever is because my dad caught me. (I remembered that, a few days after the Opera. I remember the GeneCops backing off before I passed out. And I remember his voice.) I don't know, I mean...he hit me when I talked about all the things I wanted to do, against his wishes. I know I was having kind of a tantrum, but he hit me. For talking. Not for doing anything. I don't want to think about what could have happened, knowing that he knew I wasn't just all talk. Knowing that I did disobey him. And that, in the end, I wasn't sorry for it at all.
What's the most dangerous thing you've ever done? Are you glad you did it? Would you do it again?
If you asked my dad this question, about me, he would tell you...okay, actually, he wouldn't tell you anything because he's dead. But if he was still alive and you asked him, right now, what the most dangerous thing I ever did was, he'd say it was all the times I didn't take my pills. ...No, okay, I guess he probably wouldn't say that now, he'd say that when he actually was still alive, all of the two (of hundreds of) times I didn't swallow. To be fair (not that he deserves anyone to be fair to him), it might be true in the sense that I could have triggered an attack and who knows if it would have been one I would have been able to recover from on my own. Or if I could get to my pills in time. Or if it didn't matter, no matter what I did, because poison is still poison and kills you, eventually.
That's what he'd say, though. Because that's all he cared about. Me doing what he told me to. And, I guess, making me feel bad for not doing what he told me to by insisting that I was risking my own life. By putting it on me, he could make it seem like he actually cared if I was risking my life. I never really knew, at the time, that he just wanted to control me.
Really obviously, though, I think taking the pills, at all, when I did take them, was a lot more dangerous than not taking them. Because, I mean. Not taking poison is probably a lot safer than taking it.
If I had to pick one, big thing, though, it wouldn't be taking the
Well, he wasn't little. He was actually particularly huge. For a bug, anyway. Not for his species. I think they're all about that huge. I've never seen another one in person, though, so I guess there's no real way to gage.
I know, I know, that doesn't matter. What matters is that I was probably pretty stupid to think that I could do something like sneak out into a cemetery in the middle of the night, especially when there were very obviously body dumps and a GeneCop invasion happening, probably like two feet from where I was, at any given time. But when it slipped between the window bars, it never even crossed my mind that I might get in trouble. I don't know what I was thinking, but it definitely wasn't, "Hm. Maybe I should stay put and take my medicine and not get captured by GeneCops who are ordered to kill grave robbers. I'm not one of those, whatever they are, but how would the GeneCops know that?" For whatever reason, I just...Knew I was going to be able to get my bug and get back before anyone noticed me.
The only reason I even knew the word "grave-robber" was thanks to all the stupid commercials GeneCo used to run about blah, blah, blah don't trust them, blah, blah buy Zydrate from us, talk to a surGEN. They never really said anything more than that, but...I don't know, I guess I never really put two and two together. What else would a grave robber do? Rob graves. Duh, Shilo. But why would I ever need to know? Until the moment that I stepped over the threshold of Mom's tomb, I thought I'd never go outside. I thought I'd never see the rest of the cemetery. I thought I'd never run into a grave robber who wanted to show off how special he is by never getting himself caught, but leaving me to get caught by the stupid GeneCops he kept attracting.
I don't think he got me caught on purpose, though. And, really, I wouldn't have wanted him to fight them for me. I'm sure they only didn't kill me, right away, because I don't look very scary. He's really scary-looking, sometimes. They would have shot him right away. I don't want that. I didn't want it then, either, even though I thought he was terrifying.
When I first thought of this, I think I was going to say that it was the most dangerous thing ever because it set off a whole stupid chain of events, but now that I'm thinking of it, I think Mr. Largo probably would have bothered me, anyway, even if I hadn't gone into the graveyard, that night. And the worst thing about if he'd bothered me, even if I hadn't gone out? I wouldn't have had anyone to save me, all the times I needed saving. I probably would have made the wrong choice at every turn. I probably would have gone home with my dad, after all that. Actually, I probably would have died. Worst completed life ever, right?
No, the reason it was the most dangerous thing ever is because my dad caught me. (I remembered that, a few days after the Opera. I remember the GeneCops backing off before I passed out. And I remember his voice.) I don't know, I mean...he hit me when I talked about all the things I wanted to do, against his wishes. I know I was having kind of a tantrum, but he hit me. For talking. Not for doing anything. I don't want to think about what could have happened, knowing that he knew I wasn't just all talk. Knowing that I did disobey him. And that, in the end, I wasn't sorry for it at all.