shilowallace: (but i finally see)
from the diary of Shilo Wallace
So STOP READING NOW...that means you, DAD. It's not like I can't tell when the LOCK has been broken!!!

Pick two people who are gone from your life for whatever reason. Things ended badly, or there was death and dying, or they're living in the wrong dimension... two people, who you want to see again. For whatever reason.

Then tell us who, and why.

Living in the wrong dimension? If only all my problems were that easy.

(Have I ever talked about the time I was convinced there was a portal to another world in my closet? Because there was. I could swear by it. Once, I even sucked up enough courage to say something, but, oh, no, it was just another one of my dreams, what with all the falling unconscious after missing my medicine. "What are you talking about, precious? Don't be silly, Shi."

Except for that time when literally everything else he ever said that about turned out to be real. So, maybe...I don't know, I guess it IS silly, sitting under my clothes, waiting...

I'm not gonna try again. I'm really not.)

"Who you really want to see again" seems to be the stipulation here. "Again", so not someone I've never seen before. Sorry, Mom.

I've still really only ever known...what, six, seven people in my whole life? Most of them I don't even know-know, I guess, too. And I guess I could probably go without seeing...maybe any of them, ever again.

That feels wrong to say. Mag, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I said that because I do want to see you again. I don't understand why you couldn't stay, why you couldn't fight, why you wouldn't let me help, but...that doesn't mean I wish you were gone forever.

I want my godmother back, times two.

For a moment, I thought maybe I wanted to say my dad, too, just so I could say, "Daddy, I'm better and I'm happy and I'm safe and it's no thanks to you." But if there's any kind of afterlife, he can see that, right now. If he's in Hell for what he's done - and he should be, but I don't know how much I can hope for it, since I'm so, so tired of dwelling on the past (even though I don't have much of a choice) - then maybe it's his punishment to watch me. To watch me get healthy, to watch me grow up, to watch me figure everything out for myself, since he never taught me anything but how killing and caging what I care for is the only way to express real love. To hear me curse his stupid medicine and all his stupid lies and everything he did wrong. To know that his stupid basement laboratory dungeon surgery room is now a trash pit for everything I don't want, including all the bad memories I have of him that I scream down the stairs behind that stupid fake fireplace that makes my house look like Wayne Manor instead of the stupid Wallace House that might as well just be a tomb in the middle of Jane Street.

Mag is the only person I want to see again, who I can't. And through her, maybe, I would get to see my mom, too. Through her eyes.

...Like, literally, through her eyes, too, since they project and stuff.

Or did. When she was alive.

Ugh. Right, why don't I just go sit in my closet and keep wishing really hard. Don't be silly, Shi.


shilowallace: (Default)
Shilo Wallace

June 2012

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