shilowallace: (dreams of a life past this fence)
Shilo Wallace ([personal profile] shilowallace) wrote2012-02-13 02:14 pm
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[archive] justprompts@lj: If you were to make a soundtrack of your life... - 01.05.09

from the diary of Shilo Wallace
So STOP READING NOW...that means you, DAD. It's not like I can't tell when the LOCK has been broken!!!


1. Emilie Autumn, "Shalott"
She's locked up with a spinning wheel
She can't recall what it was like to feel
She says "This room's gonna be my grave
And there's no one who can save me"
She sits down to her colored thread
She knows lovers wakeing up in their beds
She says "How long can I live this way
Is there no one I can pay to let me go
'Cause I'm half sick of shadows
I want to see the sky
Everyone else can watch as the sun goes down
So why can't I

...So, I guess I've been looking at this page for the better half of the day. And when I'm not staring at it, twirling my pen, I'm staring at my watch (I love my watch), like looking at the seconds tick by's going to make it any easier to think of other songs. As it turns out, I don't think there are any other songs that are about sitting in your room for your entire life and not much else. If there are, I don't know them. That's sort of depressing, I guess, because who wants a soundtrack about their life that's only one song long? I don't, really. But I'm sort of okay with it because, the more I stare at the page, the more I listen to this song to see if it makes me think of anything else, the more perfect I think it sounds. I mean, there's a part, at the end, about escaping on a boat and actually dying and stuff, and that hasn't happened to me (yet). But it...still fits. You know? I mean, I almost died. Well. I could have died. A few times. I felt like I was dead. And then, there's that part where she says:

"That man's gonna be my death
'cause he's all I've ever wanted in my life.
I know he doesn't know my name and that
all the girls are all the same to him."

And that just makes me...I don't know. That's true enough, too, I guess. Kind of. UGH. Shilo, you are SO LAME. Just shut up, ok?

But...yeah. I don't know. This is just my song. Maybe I haven't...really left because...I don't know, maybe I will die, if I go outside. Not just like once or twice, but for good. Outside, as in like, not home. Not here. Even though here barely feels like home, too, because I'm still opening doors and finding rooms that I've never seen before. This place is too big for just one person. It really, really is. I think Daddy might have known that, too. (But that's his own fault for putting a lock on the outside of the door to my room. >:[)

...Eleventh New Year's Resolution: figure out how to forgive Dad. Really forgive him. Not just say I do, then keep getting mad. This is going to take some work. I don't think I hate him anymore. I told him that didn't, anyway. It sounded right, saying it. And I'd be pretty upset if he thought that I hated him. I was never really good at standing my ground and being mad at him. Even if it was just because I'd get lonely, after a couple hours of being "really serious" about not talking to him "ever again". I think I have guilt issues. And I think I know who I get that from.

I think I also think that Mag's version of "Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again" might also fit somewhere onto a soundtrack for me. That wouldn't be entirely wrong.