shilowallace: (i want to go outside)
Shilo Wallace ([personal profile] shilowallace) wrote2012-02-13 02:33 pm
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[archive] LJ Writer's Block: Do-over! - 05.25.10

from the diary of Shilo Wallace
So STOP READING NOW...that means you, DAD. It's not like I can't tell when the LOCK has been broken!!!

If you were given a life do-over card, would you keep it or give it to a friend? If you kept it, would you prefer to be born to the same or different parents? Would you want to keep your memories?

Well. I only really have one friend and I don't think he's the kind of person who would want an opportunity like this. I mean, I'd offer it to him, but I think he'd probably just smirk and shake his head and say something like, "Kid, there aren't enough cards in the world to do me over." Or something like that. So I guess I'd have to keep it. Or, probably, I could throw it away, but if someone gave me something that big and that powerful, it'd be pretty ungrateful to just dump it. Who knows whose hands it would fall into, then. I think too many bad things could happen because of that. I don't really want to be responsible for messing up the whole world (even worse than it's already messed up). If I used it, it wouldn't screw anything up. No one would even know to miss me, I don't think, and not just because if I did my life over, the me I am now wouldn't exist. Even if they knew I was gone, I don't think it'd make too much of a difference.

If I started completely over, I would want new parents.

No, I take that back. I want my parents, the way they should have been. I want my mom to stay alive and I want my dad to not be a scary, selfish, unhappy control freak. I want to know that Mag is my godmother and I want to get to spend the time with her that we never had, this time around. I want to be allowed to go outside, even if it's still just to play in the cemetery because there's really nothing I like all that much, in the city. Except kind of for Sanitarium Square, but only because it looks pretty. Not because I actually like anything there. (I especially do not like getting thrown into surgery tents and told to stay put. What was I staying put for? Why did I have to stay put anywhere?)

(...I do, however, like getting rescued from those tents.)

I want a chance to not be sick and to not be bald so I can see what my real hair actually looks like. Because I don't have any idea, still, and I know I probably will eventually (so long as the poison didn't completely ruin my abillity to grow hair at all), but right now, it's frustrating.

But if I can't have my parents done right, then I guess I want new parents. But I want new parents who love me and care about me and want the best for me and aren't completely wrapped up in their own problems. I want parents who are good people and good parents. Because as much as I don't want a do-over with my dad being exactly the same way that he was, this time, I also don't want parents who don't care or who think it's okay to let me to get tons of stupid surgery and, ugh, let me become a stupid junkie.

...But, if...well. Never mind.

There are plenty of things that I would like to forget about my life. I don't want to forget about them in the way that I have amnesia or something because then, eventually, I'd probably remember them all again and that would be just as horrible as remembering them, in the first place. I want to forget about them in the sense that I want them to never have happened. I want to not have to think about them, all the time, and realize how horrible it all was and the way that it impacted me.

That being said, though, I want to keep my memories, if I start over. They won't hurt as much as they do now because I'll know that was a different life and that's it's not anything that actually happened to me. I want to remember why it was that I decided to start over. But I also want to remember important, good things. I want to remember that I need to find GraveRobber, as soon as possible, and...well, I don't really know. Make sure that he's doing okay, I guess. See if he still wants to...be my friend. To know me.

I guess I don't really know what I'd do, if he didn't. I guess then I'd want another do-over so I could undo-over and go back to the way things were because I don't really like thinking about what life would be without him. I don't know what life would be like without him in it, since he's the only thing that's saved me, this time around. I guess that's probably more important than a do-over. I probably don't hate remembering things so much, if it means he's still here. With me.

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